JOKE OF THE DAY
Subject: Ethics Test
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an
honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test
features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will
have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet
spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to
each line.
TEST:
You are in Miami, Florida. There is chaos all around you caused by a
hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly
hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses
and people swirling around you, some disappearing under
the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you
see a man f loundering in the water. He is
fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer . . .
Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is.
It's George W. Bush!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him
under, forever. You have two options--you can save the life of G.W.Bush
or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo,
documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?
After
the passing of Pope John Paul II, the Cardinals had the duty to go through the
late Pope's personal effects. One of the Cardinals noted that there had once
been an inscription on the inside of the Pope's skull cap. The inscription was
obviously very old and much obscured from wear and the passage of time.
Curious, the Cardinals sent the skull cap for study at the Vatican's
Antiquities Department. Experts applied themselves to the task utilizing
the latest in computer technology and encryption analysis.
They found that the inscription was in the ancient Hebrew language and after
much work, they cracked the code and translated the text.
The results were handed to the perplexed
Cardinal who read:
Benny &
Malka's Wedding
October 19, 1935
Krakow, Poland
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
The Lone
Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent
set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the
Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?
The Lone
Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars". "What that tell
you?" asked Tonto.,
The Lone
Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells
me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets". "Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo,
time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning, theologically, it is evident the Lord is all-powerful and ewe are
small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow, what's it tell you Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then he says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber that buffalo shit, someone has stolen the tent.
FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray
for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's
handsome, smart and strong
One who
loves to listen long,
One who
thinks before he speaks,
One
who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray
he's gainfully employed,
When I
spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out
my chair and opens my door,
Massages
my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send
me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows
what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray
that this man will love me to no end,
And always
be my very best friend.
Amen.
Male prayer, scroll down a little more!
MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute
nymphomaniac with big tits
who owns a
liquor store and a bass boat.
This doesn't
rhyme and I don't give a shit
Amen.
News from the
Sanitation Dept, Washington, D.C.
Reported by Stan Bigmouth
The Washington, D.C. Sanitation
Department just realized that their truck accidentally dropped white trash at
the White House in January, 2000. When the truck driver went back to get it he
saw that the trash took care of itself and settled at the house. Since then the
white trash was running the White House.
The spokesperson for the
Sanitation Department says they will try to have a successful white trash
removal pretty soon.
George W. Bush
Elected Pope ... Cardinals Stunned!
Reported by Monsignor Guido
Sarducci
The 120 Cardinals from around
the world that gathered to choose a successor in the Vatican's Sistine Chapel
were stunned and expressed amazement.
Cardinal Mohoney the Vatican
spokesperson had this to say...
"We in the conclave are all
shocked. We cast our votes using these new electronic voting machines. The
results overwhelmingly favored George W. Bush over all the Catholic candidates.
The last Pope, John Paul, was a superb linguist, fluently speaking 11
languages, this one can't speak fluently in one language. We just don't know
what to say."
The White House has announced that
Dick Cheney will assume command as President of the world tomorrow morning,
when "W" travels to Rome to begin his duties as Pope.
George W. Bush had this to say
moments ago as he spoke from the Rose Garden:
"I am honoured to be the
spiritual lighthouse, and the first War Pope. I promise Evangelical Catho-licks
and Prostates alike that I will be embodied in salvation and fair in the
performance of my duties.
I am a Unitifier, not a
Divide-a-cater. I am obliged to try to save as many lost souls as I can, at
least the Devout Wealthy Elite Souls, as it is well known that Heaven is a very
select place, indeed, it is more
exclusive than even the best of
country clubs. It is a members only Heaven. I may have to put a fence around
it.
I will perform miracles in a fair
and balanced manner. Just as God used to wipe out entire races of people
without warning, burning whole towns of perverts, killing off entire nations,
and drowning everybody without
a ticket to board Noah's Ark, I
shall deliver the world from Evil Empires as I unleash the Apocalypse Wrath of
Revelations.
I will ensure the Rapture and the Reunion
with our beloved deceased family members and with our departed purebred pets. I
will not allow those awful Liberal Sissy Homosapiens to marry each other and I
will put
and end to the Clergy marrying
Choirboys.
I will lead the Crusades against
all them towel-headed heathens-possessed voodoo-hoodoo barbarians whose
Pseudo-religions that don't accept the Lord as the Light of Democracy, and who
worship fake,
made-up gods.
They shall suffer my Godly Conservative Wrath and I will Destroy them with
my Cherubic Armies of Angels and they shall burn for eternity in Hell, because
Me and God don't take no prisoners!"
A Wives Tale
Three men were sitting around bragging about how they had given their new
wives duties.
The first man had married a Catholic woman, and bragged that he had
told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that
needed
doing at their house. He said it took a couple days, but on the third day
he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put
away.
The second man had married a Mormon woman. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes and
the
cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but
the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean,
the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Jewish girl. He boasted that he told her that
her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn
mowed, laundry done and hot meals on the table, every day. He said the
first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything,
but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see
a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a peanut
butter sandwich, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.
Anal Glaucoma
A woman calls her boss
one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is
not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks. "I have a case of
Anal Glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
He asks: "What the hell is Anal Glaucoma?"
She responds: "I can't see my ass coming into work
today."
Bank
Joke
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, "I want to open a damm checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must havemisunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damm it. I said I want to open a damm checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There i s no damm problem ! ," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damm lottery and I want to put my damm money in this damm bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?
Barber Story
A
guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I
can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and
says, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the
shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy
left.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked
around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy
left.
The barber who is intrigued by this time, looked over at a friend in the
shop and said, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he
goes."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop,
laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left
here?"
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said," Your house."
Why Lawyers should never ask
a witness a question if
they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small town
prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the
stand-a-grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known
you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife...you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he
was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigotted, and he has a drinking
problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice
is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on
his wife with three different women, one of them was your
wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
After this response, the judge asked both counselors to approach
the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you
bastards asks that bitch if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses
in jail for contempt."
A PASSOVER STORY
With Pesach soon upon them, the Jewish community in Madrid found
themselves in a desperate situation. There
was an acute shortage of horseradish. (Now many of you may know -
horseradish, which is also known as
"chrain," is a key ingredient for gefilte fish at the Seder.
A hue and cry arose and the entire community was
mobilized in an effort to prevent this "shanda" (shame). All the
European Union countries gave them the
same reply, "Sorry, we have none to send." In desperation, the Rabbi phoned one of his Yeshiva
friends in Tel Aviv and begged him to
send a crate of horseradish by air freight to Madrid.
Two days before Pesach, a crate
of grade Aleph, tear-jerking, Israeli horseradish was loaded at Ben Gurion
Airport onto the EL Al 789 flight to Madrid, and all seemed to be well.
Unfortunately, when the Rabbi
went to the Madrid Airport to claim the
horseradish he was informed that a wildcat strike had just broken out and no shipments would be unloaded for
at least four days.
As a result: The chrain in Spain
stayed mainly on the plane. Oy!
Happy Passover to one and all.
Achtung our
anti-Semitic friends:
If
you don’t like our jokes you can go make love to yourself. And not necessarily in those words.
